Episode 430 – Health Lizard

Jacob’s company is doing this five week competition that can land people money for exercising… and it is glorious and going to kill me. My team is ranked 8th out of the entire fortune 100 company, and I am 2nd on my team. I also want to yell at some of the members on my team… how are you going to commit to joining a team that is logging mad exercise hours and only workout 30 mins every other day! I cannot threaten or cajole anyone because everyone knows I am Jacob’s wife and I don’t want to get his work people annoyed at him, but COME ON!  Take a walk at lunch or something. Damn.

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Factoid of the Week:
According to this article from “Fast Co Design,” we are attracted to glitter because it reminds us of something else that also glistens, reflects, and that we can’t live without: that’s right, water.

Rat breaches bank ATM in India, eats $18,000 worth of cash
Building dispute leads to mural of crowned mayor on a toilet
Doctors Remove Live Worm Crawling Under Woman’s Face
Man wasn’t drinking while driving, just sipping at stop signs, he told deputies

Words of Wisdom:
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. ~J. R. R. Tolkien

Episode 429 – Drugs on a Goat

Today I beat the Trial of the Sword on BoTW and it was glorious! I didn’t realize that there were three stages (which was very helpful because of the dying). The first stage was the hardest… even though it was meant to be the baby stage to get your feet wet. It was awful. I died 7 times. That means I had to restart EIGHT TIMES before I finally made it to the last stage. The next two (17 and then 24 rooms respectively) I had to restart once a piece. I am sad now that I am done. That was fun. Again!

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Seashells are primarily made of calcium.

Romanian court tells man he is not alive
Woman Allegedly Bit Part of Chinese Restaurant Owner’s Ear Off During Fight Over Food Order
Pennsylvania police say couple high on bath salts shot at fireflies they mistook for ‘alien lasers’
Pornhub Is Now Offering Subtitles For Deaf And Hard Of Hearing Viewers

Words of Wisdom:
One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.  -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Episode 428 – Guilt Free Sex Bits

I just spilled water on my laptop… I panicked a bit… but everything seems to be ok. I’m also VERY tired and would like a nap, so I’m more concerned with getting a few Zzz’s than I am with my laptop exploding. Also, freaking waterproof mascara, man. Why. They should make small shots of waterproof mascara for those of us that literally want it for one freaking day. Like when you get married and have your sig-fig telling you that he is going to make you ball like a baby.  Amateur. I only cry during Braveheart.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Humans are the only mammals that willingly delay sleep

World Cup 2018: Russian lawmaker warns against sex with foreigners
New Hampshire distillery’s bourbon flavored with beaver secretions
Woman Rescued After Getting Head Stuck In Truck’s Exhaust Pipe
Man Gets Tired Of Sitting In Traffic, Hacks Into Electronic Billboard to Stream Porn

Words of Wisdom:
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess

Episode 427 – Better Outta Ewe Than In Ewe

GUYS! I did it! I have finally accomplished my mission! I HAVE RECEIVED A JUMP SUIT THAT WORKS! It’s tall enough through the legs and torso, doesn’t show my arms, or boobs, and is super light. I’m going to die. It’s like wearing footy PJ’s in public, but being totally accepted by everyone as fashionable while doing it. I cannot express my happy.  Jumpsuits are life. I am hungry.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
The first jumpsuit that was meant as a fashion item was created in 1919 by the Italian artist and designer Tayaht. His goal was to design a stylish and fashionable outfit for the working class as a critique on the bourgeoisie of that time. Unfortunately, his plan failed miserably after the Florentine upper class discovered his design and made it the fashion item of that era.  

New Zealand scientists are breeding sheep to fart and burp less
Driver Pulls Off Bizarre Backward Stunt Through More Than A Mile Of Traffic
Chinese man attempts to cure constipation by shoving eggplant up his anus, but it gets stuck
‘We Love Whiskey, Why Not Put It In Our Armpits?’ Pit Liquor Is Born

Words of Wisdom:
Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall. -Ray Bradbury

Episode 426 – Anthropomorphized Sparkles

I’ve gotten my wardrobe pared down to things I actually wear (donated everything I did not wear!), so I decided to organize and clean up my closet a bit. I hanged everything in order, folded everything that needed folded, and moved winter things to areas that I could reach, but wouldn’t have to sort through to reach Spring/Summer clothing.  I stepped back from my creation to see that nothing I have is bright and cheery… it’s all dark (very dark). The “brightest” things I have are a couple dark-wine colored tanks, a pair of deep olive shorts, and the silver band that wraps the neck of a black maxi-dress… So… yeah. Yay Spring.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Granite is a natural source of radiation, containing 10-20 uranium parts per million.

Student banned from graduation over prank to sell school on Craigslist
Florida man caught masturbating tells police he’s Captain Kirk from ‘Star Trek’
Mussels test positive for opioids and chemo drugs

Words of Wisdom:
The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling. -Lucretius

Episode 425 – I Am Not Clickbait

When in High School, I used to listen to Aerosmith a good deal… not entirely sure how I even found out about them, but it was essentially the only music I owned (Hah, remember when you used to buy music?). Since then, my tastes have evolved into a sort of hybrid of death metal, chainsaws, electrocution, and tinky-tink fairy puff. That all goes together smoothly, right? I only mention any of this because I found a Russian metal cover of Dream On… it was awesome.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
The pear was sacred to two goddesses in Greek mythology – Hera and Aphrodite. It was also sacred to the corresponding Roman goddesses, Juno and Venus, as well as to Pomona, the Roman goddess of fruitfulness.

Posh people are now taking Ecstasy with BRIE in new middle-class dinner party craze
A Florida couple stole a motorized cart from Walmart — and then drove it to a bar
This Bitcoin Pizza Day, Remember Not to Spend Bitcoins on Pizza
Power Outage Triggers ‘Extreme Zombie Activity’ Alert In Florida City

Words of Wisdom:
Whatever you do, do it gently and unhurriedly, because virtue is not a pear to be eaten in one bite.  –Seraphim of Sarov

Episode 424 – Anal Contusion

I decided to do some HIIT intervals while walking today and I have bruised the bottom of my foot from running sprints. So, yay! That’s been fun. I thought I had something on the pad of my foot, and then I realized I just smashed it so hard while sprinting like a wild animal was after me that I squashed my bones against the fat of my poor footie and now I must wear squishy shoes in the house so I can walk (you’re welcome for that amazing run-on sentence).

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
A bruise is medically referred to as a contusion and occur when tiny blood vessels are damaged or broken.

$85 million New York condo comes with a trip to space
North Texas school ends birthday spankings after complaints, but parents defend the tradition
Woman caught on camera pooping on floor at Tim Hortons and throwing it at employee
Woman fired after cops seize laxative-laced brownies

Words of Wisdom:
Authority without wisdom is like a heavy ax without an edge, fitter to bruise than polish. -Anne Bradstreet

Episode 423 – Swede’s Balls

I am not a petite person.  I am 5’9″ (5 inches taller than the average for the USA), and I have a goodly amount of muscle… which is GREAT if I were living with the Amazonians on Themyscira. Today, while I was in a barre class (ballerinas with weighted poles to make it harder because why make anything fun?), a lady told me that I MUST be a softball player. Her husband coaches high school softball and I look just like one of the players… because my shoulders are so big…  add that to the fact that I was a foot taller than everyone in the class and someone asking me if I wanted to look like a man earlier in the week… and I give up -_- #sarahconnor

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
The average height of a female in the USA is 5’ 3.5″ and the average male is 5’9”.

My whole life has been a lie’: Sweden admits meatballs are Turkish
$600000 Flies Over Highway After Brinks Truck Door Opens
Hello, Yes, 911? There’s A Waitlist For These $168 Thong Jeans
S Korean cleaner may lose out after finding gold in bin

Words of Wisdom:
The true way to be humble is not to stoop until you are smaller than yourself, but to stand at your real height against some higher nature that will show you what the real smallness of your greatness is. -Phillips Brooks

Episode 422 – Balls Deep in Fajitas

Workout today was swing, salsa, bellydance, and some parody of playground antics. We lined up, faced each other, and ran across the room skipping and shuffling until we zipped in between one another. We also all held hands and ran around in a circle. Acting twelve is a great deal of fun… and a decent workout apparently!

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Robot comes from the Czech word “robota” which means “forced work or labor.”

Argentinian officers fired after claiming mice ate half a ton of missing marijuana
Texas man sentenced to 50 years for $1.2M theft of fajitas
Madagascar officials discover 10,000 stolen tortoises crawling in home after reports of ‘rancid’ stench
‘No to sex on roundabouts’, Norway tells high school graduates

Words of Wisdom:
Drinking a cup of coffee with your eyes closed isn’t a sophisticated task for a person, but it’s hard for a robot.  – Vijay Kumar

Episode 421 – Red Hot Diapers

Did you know that wedding dresses run small? That’s right, dresses that bride’s wear on “the most special day of their lives” run small in order to make an already stressed out lady feel like she’s a massive fatass and should starve herself to fit into her normal size. So, that’s awesome.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
Seventeen tons of gold are made into wedding rings each year in the United States. BONUS! Because eyebrows are considered intensely alluring in Asia, historically the bride’s eyebrows were shaved entirely, rendering her powerless to attract a man

Man suing hospital and surgeon for removing teeth ‘in error’
Florida Woman Claims Wind Blew Cocaine Into Her Purse
Mystery Mummy Found in Ceiling of Minneapolis Department Store
Substitute Teacher Ran Classroom ‘Fight Club’ At Montville High School

Words of Wisdom:
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. –Lao Tzu