Episode 35 – “Our TV Has Premonitions”

An ode to Horseshoes and Hand Grenades by a long dead monk:
Horseshoes and mighty Hand Grenades,
The protector of the smart.
Beware all ye of small mind!
And those that are dumb at heart.

Well said, long dead monk!

This week the protectors of the smart bring you hookers for charity, skinny santas, and men raping bikes! Also, check out our new myspace at http://www.myspace.com/horseshoes_handgrenades!

Factoid of the Week:
Doctors in the 1700s prescribed ladybugs, taken internally, as a cure for measles

Twins have two different dads!
Hard-up for a win
Prostitue offers sex for charity
STEPHEN’S SOAPBOX: Sesame Street is Adult Only Entertainment!!?!?
Man gets three years probation for having sex with bicycle??
I’m fat because I want to be like Santa Claus
300 LB Woman and a Bike
Chicken fat on Virginia highway causes four wrecks
Doctor Doom
Man shoots out traffic camera, gets arrested
Man tries to deposit one million dollar bill
Chicken eats bracelet, man eats Chicken
One Cheese sandwich with a side of dead cousin

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 34 – “Touchin’ Cotton”

Since the media decided not to report on the GIANT ZOMBIE TURKEY that was attacking West Virginia this week… it is up to us at Horseshoes and Hand Grenades to keep our fans informed! Er, a giant zombie turkey was attacking West Virgina this week. Stephen and I went head-to-head with this gobbling menace in an epic battle sure to go down in the finicky pages of history. The horrible fowl was made from the parts of five hundred dead thanksgiving dinners, and sewn together by the evil SUC! So, you see, it is truly not our faults that we were a few days late with the show… but the fault of the evil squirrel army and their dastardly turkey zombie of doom!
To make up for our sight delay (even though we were saving mankind from death by turkey), we made this show extra gnarly! We have the lyrics to “My Dear, My Penis is a Mountain” in Croatian, a drunk, naked man that did not want to be rescued, and an assault by deadly gravy. Hope your Thanksgivings were in-law free!

Factoid of the Week:
A common housefly beats its wings about 20,000 times per minute

UK’s oldest newlyweds
Mile High Crime Club
My Dear, My Penis is a Mountain
Man beaten for being bald
Drunk, Naked Man causes wrecks
Man Assaulted with Gravy
Because women love it when it gets in their hair 0_o <--- Submitted by Frankie U. Old white women vacationing in Kenya for sex
The invasion continues <--- Submitted by Frankie U. Paramedic shoots to kill… kinda
Woman Crashes through window… and gets her hair done

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 33 – “I Can’t Run! I Have Flip Flops On!

Thirty-three episodes down, and only one million catrillion baziollion to go! At least, we hope… because then we would be immortal, and that would be nice. Here at Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, we have been pumping out quality episodes since the dawn of time (ignore the fact that there was no podcasting when Jesus walked the earth), and we are proud to have you as listeners! Feel free to email us and tell us what you think about this week’s hilarious episode filled with a man marrying a dog, hookers for the disabled, getting high off poo, and bears stealing cars for SUC. (Viva la FUR!)
Factoid of the Week:
It takes about 3 1/2 hours for sound waves to travel from San Francisco to New York

Man Marries Dog<—Submitted by voodoosnowflakes
SOAPBOX! School bans Christmas cards!
Because sex is as important as breathing 0_o

Don’t watch pr0n in your CAR!

Airline security arrests infamous SALAD MAN!

Top 10 Things NOT to Shoot

Kids resort to huffing poo for a natural high
<— Submitted by Frankie U.
Sex you can eat!
Pedophile employed at kindergarten!
Cows Flee After Seeing Micky DeeZ <— Submitted by VoodooSnowFlakes
Kid suspended for drawing “evil things” <—– Submitted by Frankie U
Bear steals car!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 32 – “I Wish I Had A Pouch Like A Kangaroo…I’d Put Candy Corn In It”

So, Stephen was hyped up on coffee and I was sipping tea for this episode… and we all know what happens when caffeine combines with Horseshoes and Hand Grenades! At one point, I was pretty sure I was going to spit green tea all over my poor laptop, but thankfully I was able to compose myself and continue reading through our stories. Stephen and I found a lot of wacky stories this week including an eight-limbed toddler, a woman who bit her boyfriends lip OFF, a gorilla who was switched out for a stripper, and 2,500 gallons of liquefied hog poo. Ugh.
Toddler with EIGHT Limbs
Tunnels are boring

Destined to be alone?

The World has gone BANANAS!
Kid gets detention for hugging…enter the SOAPBOX!
This stuff never happened when I was in school
Bill of $0.00
Once bitten
2,500 gallons of spilt hog poo
Flying Cows

Dope arrested for possesion… of dope

Assault with a deadly….Frying Pan?!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 31 – “I Survived the Zombie Apocalypse, and All I Got Was This Stupid Podcast”

Man! The last few days have been intense! Stephen and I managed to rid our hometowns of the Zombie menace, but on a downside we couldn’t raise Demon Face to help host the show. Apparently, he was pissed because we didn’t do the show on Friday and he had a date with Satan’s daughter… Whatever, I hope it sucked. This show was amazingly hilarious. Stephen and I were both kind of tired from all the Zombie slaying, but it made us mega funny and slap happy. Good times! We’ve got Zombies passed out on trains, the final story on the infamous smoker leg, a man pooing in Micky Dee’s, and another man that beat up a dead body! This month has been insane, and we are stoked that you guys stick with us for every episode.
Factoid of the Week:
Sharks are immune to every disease…including Cancer

Aliens Set Fires In Italy
Zombies Don’t Drink!
Disappearing Sheep Show

Ketchup > Guns
The Great Pickle Caper!

More info on the LEG!

Bad Day^5

Man Poos in Mickey Dees
Dentists Dances

Kinky Knitwear
Invincible naked man runs loose in Super 8 Motel!
Crazy man beats the crap out of a dead body!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Oh Noes!

A zombie mob has broken out in Tallahassee AND Morgantown (very limited and confined outbreak), and prevented Stephen and Ashley from making Horseshoes and Hand Grenades on time!
I have a gut feeling that these mobs will be swiftly dealt with by Saturday evening, and that H & H will only be released a tad late.

Neither of your favorite hosts have received any bites or scratches, and there is hope that neither will have to be replaced by Host Bot 2000.


Episode 30 LIVE – “Does It Come With A Warm, Wet Hole Attachment?”

Ok, this was the most entertaining episode we have ever done! As a celebration for being around for THIRTY weeks, we decided another live episode was needed. We had a few technical issues at first (go figure), but it eventually panned out nicely and everyone had a blast! Thanks to everyone who participated in our live event… you guys are amazing and we expect you back for our big four-oh. We’ve got listerner WTF’s, Lobsters desperados, a police chief that is ready for a Zombie invasion, naked sleep walkers, and a 4-year-old with a post-it problem.
Factoid of the Week
Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

This show brought to you by the awesome people who joined our show. Many of which are members of the Massassi forums and the NeS project at http://forums.massassi.net Check it Out!

Lobsters on the lamb
Hero fined for saving older woman
Shopkeep ignores armed robber
Teens get in trouble for being naughty
Parenting skills 101<—Submitted by Frankie U
Woman stabs tied-up lover to drink his blood
Jerry Springer’s show line up
How to “handle” naked sleepwalkers
Post It note stapled to 4th graders head<—Submitted by Frankie U
Men should not play with dolls

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 29 – “These Teeth Will NOT Come Off!”

Well, I was terrified that the show was not going to happen tonight… because I CEMENTED fake vampire teeth to my actual teeth. As much fun as that sounds, they pierced my bottom lip, made me slur, and totally aren’t as white as my actual teeth. But, Stephen punched me in the face, and the fangs (and a few of my real teeth) popped right out!. Good thing, too, because we have another follow up on Wood’s leg, oral sex in politics (no wai!), and a woman who stole her boyfriends gonads!
Factoid of the Week:
Belgians once tried to deliver mail using cats. (it didn’t work)

Man single-handedly contributes to overpopulation
Why did 3000 chickens cross the road?
A Bwahahah moment
Cops love stupid people
Woman charged for spouting obscenities at a toilet
Free breast exam with every visit!
Amputated leg story gets even more crazy!
Nigerian woman accused of stealing her boyfriends genitals!
If you like oral sex, vote for this guy!
Couple makes burglar clean their house at gunpoint!
Thieves move into a woman’s home while she’s away
Most independent 6 year old ever….or at least he tried to be

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 28 – “Geese Don’t Have Love, They Have Eggs”

Heelllloooooo, and welcome back to your favorite (it IS your favorite, and these are NOT the droids you are looking for) podcast of all time! This week turned out a lot of really goofy news that Stephen and I were more than happy to scoop up and spit back at you in delicious podcast form. The munch a moth campaign hits Australia, an ostrich pwns two boys with image issues, and cat pee: is it the next drug craze?
Factoid of the Week:
The slowest mammal on earth is the three-toed sloth. It’s top speed is 6 to 8 feet per minute

A mother’s bad memory won 2.4 million
Australians urged to eat moths
How to end a relationship:
Door to Door Salesmen donates kidney
Pop Quiz: are 1 million $ bills real?
SUC’s smear campaign
Cat pee: the next marijuana
Ostrich murdered by man with no penis
Skanky Nurse Serial Killers
Doughnut thief to get 30 years
Bible Knock Out
Drunk Ambulance Driver

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Running Time: 55 Minutes