Episode 38 – “Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal”

Hello again Ladies and Gentlemen! H&H has returned from a great pilgrimage from the land of morons to bring you what we have found in the vast uncharted world: a whole bunch of ridiculous news about stupid people doing stupid things. We nearly died out there after we were threatened by a group of guys with beercan helmets and large clubs for speaking with “them smart words.” Yes, we have returned unscathed! And we bring with us news of stolen beaches, a wolf with a taste for steak, horny bus drivers, squirrels that think they’re Solid Snake, and women with unhealthy obsessions with Santa Claus.
So enjoy this H&H Holiday Special, and don’t forget to share it with your friends!!

Factoid of the Week:
The average amount of Santas hired by a US Mall – 3.73

So, this wolf walks into a bar
Not a use for coffee <— Submitted by Frankie U.
Shocking Punishment
Beach stolen!
10 Year old girl arrested for cutting food with knife <– Submitted by Voodoosnowflakes
Hooker + school bus = WTF!?
Tinsel Screws Thief
We can “enhance” anything
Squirrels are getting a lot smarter
Ho, Ho, what a Whore
A laughing good time

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Running Time: 1 Hour 5 Minutes

Episode 37 – “It Was The Meat That Inspired Me!”

For a limited time only, get Horseshoes and Hand Grenades Episode 37 for ONLY fourteen installments of $999.99! This limited time offer will never be seen again, folks. In Episode 37 you will get: A plea to Digg our show, a man in a speeding wheelchair, a death threat via Karaoke, a man that shoots himself in the bum, and for a limited time, a playful pup that procures peeing penises!
If you order in the next ten minutes you will receive the all new golden pill that makes your poo glitter for FREE!

You won’t ever see this offer again… don’t let this one of a kind Episode run out!

Factoid of the Week:
In her entire lifetime, a female hummingbird lays at most 2 eggs

Indian man bites rabid dog! Rescues duck from the cold grip of death!
Man gets stuck in bathroom for three days
Wheelchair bound man arrested for…speeding!? <– Submitted by Frankie U.
Man shoots himself in the buttocks!
Only 10 shopping days til Christmas. Better buy some Rhino Poop! <– Submitted by Frankie U.
Karaoke: Threat lvl orange
Bouncing lovers bounce cars over the edge
Golden pill makes your poop glitter
Playful Pup Procures Peeing Penis
Angry tow truck driver tries to tow police car
Don’t taze me, bro! I’m deaf! <— Submitted by Frankie U.
Suburban sex parties draw complaints
Barbie’s prison

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Running Time: 1 Hour 5 Minutes

Episode 36 – “Fish Don’t Stink Underwater”

Omg, my brain hurts! It hurts so bad, I can’t even express how badly it hurts. On that note, we have produced a wondertastic show for you guys this week! The WTF!?’s are more WTF!?ier and the News Better Left Untold really should not have been told. We also received buttons this week and are totally stoked beyond all things stokable! So go pop some Tylenol, pin your buttons to your forehead… and chow down on this amazing-super episode!
Buttons…Courtesy of Ashley’s iSight camera and her hand O_o


Factoid of the Week:
Mr. Potato Head was the first toy to be advertised on television

Tourist confused on which bed is his
Bird sentenced to solitary confinement
Newsflash: boobies make you live longer!

Cat found after 19 days with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar!

The CIA can stop cancer!

Death to Poochy?

If you can’t put them in your hair, they’ve got to go somewhere!

This is coming out of the wrong hole!
<— Submitted by Frankie U.
Fart Break

ASSAULT: Man hits Santa in the face with a pie!
Whistle while you shoplift
Wife attacks hubby with potato

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Running Time: 1 Hour 5 Minutes

Episode 35 – “Our TV Has Premonitions”

An ode to Horseshoes and Hand Grenades by a long dead monk:
Horseshoes and mighty Hand Grenades,
The protector of the smart.
Beware all ye of small mind!
And those that are dumb at heart.

Well said, long dead monk!

This week the protectors of the smart bring you hookers for charity, skinny santas, and men raping bikes! Also, check out our new myspace at http://www.myspace.com/horseshoes_handgrenades!

Factoid of the Week:
Doctors in the 1700s prescribed ladybugs, taken internally, as a cure for measles

Twins have two different dads!
Hard-up for a win
Prostitue offers sex for charity
STEPHEN’S SOAPBOX: Sesame Street is Adult Only Entertainment!!?!?
Man gets three years probation for having sex with bicycle??
I’m fat because I want to be like Santa Claus
300 LB Woman and a Bike
Chicken fat on Virginia highway causes four wrecks
Doctor Doom
Man shoots out traffic camera, gets arrested
Man tries to deposit one million dollar bill
Chicken eats bracelet, man eats Chicken
One Cheese sandwich with a side of dead cousin

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 34 – “Touchin’ Cotton”

Since the media decided not to report on the GIANT ZOMBIE TURKEY that was attacking West Virginia this week… it is up to us at Horseshoes and Hand Grenades to keep our fans informed! Er, a giant zombie turkey was attacking West Virgina this week. Stephen and I went head-to-head with this gobbling menace in an epic battle sure to go down in the finicky pages of history. The horrible fowl was made from the parts of five hundred dead thanksgiving dinners, and sewn together by the evil SUC! So, you see, it is truly not our faults that we were a few days late with the show… but the fault of the evil squirrel army and their dastardly turkey zombie of doom!
To make up for our sight delay (even though we were saving mankind from death by turkey), we made this show extra gnarly! We have the lyrics to “My Dear, My Penis is a Mountain” in Croatian, a drunk, naked man that did not want to be rescued, and an assault by deadly gravy. Hope your Thanksgivings were in-law free!

Factoid of the Week:
A common housefly beats its wings about 20,000 times per minute

UK’s oldest newlyweds
Mile High Crime Club
My Dear, My Penis is a Mountain
Man beaten for being bald
Drunk, Naked Man causes wrecks
Man Assaulted with Gravy
Because women love it when it gets in their hair 0_o <--- Submitted by Frankie U. Old white women vacationing in Kenya for sex
The invasion continues <--- Submitted by Frankie U. Paramedic shoots to kill… kinda
Woman Crashes through window… and gets her hair done

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 33 – “I Can’t Run! I Have Flip Flops On!

Thirty-three episodes down, and only one million catrillion baziollion to go! At least, we hope… because then we would be immortal, and that would be nice. Here at Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, we have been pumping out quality episodes since the dawn of time (ignore the fact that there was no podcasting when Jesus walked the earth), and we are proud to have you as listeners! Feel free to email us and tell us what you think about this week’s hilarious episode filled with a man marrying a dog, hookers for the disabled, getting high off poo, and bears stealing cars for SUC. (Viva la FUR!)
Factoid of the Week:
It takes about 3 1/2 hours for sound waves to travel from San Francisco to New York

Man Marries Dog<—Submitted by voodoosnowflakes
SOAPBOX! School bans Christmas cards!
Because sex is as important as breathing 0_o

Don’t watch pr0n in your CAR!

Airline security arrests infamous SALAD MAN!

Top 10 Things NOT to Shoot

Kids resort to huffing poo for a natural high
<— Submitted by Frankie U.
Sex you can eat!
Pedophile employed at kindergarten!
Cows Flee After Seeing Micky DeeZ <— Submitted by VoodooSnowFlakes
Kid suspended for drawing “evil things” <—– Submitted by Frankie U
Bear steals car!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 32 – “I Wish I Had A Pouch Like A Kangaroo…I’d Put Candy Corn In It”

So, Stephen was hyped up on coffee and I was sipping tea for this episode… and we all know what happens when caffeine combines with Horseshoes and Hand Grenades! At one point, I was pretty sure I was going to spit green tea all over my poor laptop, but thankfully I was able to compose myself and continue reading through our stories. Stephen and I found a lot of wacky stories this week including an eight-limbed toddler, a woman who bit her boyfriends lip OFF, a gorilla who was switched out for a stripper, and 2,500 gallons of liquefied hog poo. Ugh.
Toddler with EIGHT Limbs
Tunnels are boring

Destined to be alone?

The World has gone BANANAS!
Kid gets detention for hugging…enter the SOAPBOX!
This stuff never happened when I was in school
Bill of $0.00
Once bitten
2,500 gallons of spilt hog poo
Flying Cows

Dope arrested for possesion… of dope

Assault with a deadly….Frying Pan?!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 31 – “I Survived the Zombie Apocalypse, and All I Got Was This Stupid Podcast”

Man! The last few days have been intense! Stephen and I managed to rid our hometowns of the Zombie menace, but on a downside we couldn’t raise Demon Face to help host the show. Apparently, he was pissed because we didn’t do the show on Friday and he had a date with Satan’s daughter… Whatever, I hope it sucked. This show was amazingly hilarious. Stephen and I were both kind of tired from all the Zombie slaying, but it made us mega funny and slap happy. Good times! We’ve got Zombies passed out on trains, the final story on the infamous smoker leg, a man pooing in Micky Dee’s, and another man that beat up a dead body! This month has been insane, and we are stoked that you guys stick with us for every episode.
Factoid of the Week:
Sharks are immune to every disease…including Cancer

Aliens Set Fires In Italy
Zombies Don’t Drink!
Disappearing Sheep Show

Ketchup > Guns
The Great Pickle Caper!

More info on the LEG!

Bad Day^5

Man Poos in Mickey Dees
Dentists Dances

Kinky Knitwear
Invincible naked man runs loose in Super 8 Motel!
Crazy man beats the crap out of a dead body!

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 30 LIVE – “Does It Come With A Warm, Wet Hole Attachment?”

Ok, this was the most entertaining episode we have ever done! As a celebration for being around for THIRTY weeks, we decided another live episode was needed. We had a few technical issues at first (go figure), but it eventually panned out nicely and everyone had a blast! Thanks to everyone who participated in our live event… you guys are amazing and we expect you back for our big four-oh. We’ve got listerner WTF’s, Lobsters desperados, a police chief that is ready for a Zombie invasion, naked sleep walkers, and a 4-year-old with a post-it problem.
Factoid of the Week
Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

This show brought to you by the awesome people who joined our show. Many of which are members of the Massassi forums and the NeS project at http://forums.massassi.net Check it Out!

Lobsters on the lamb
Hero fined for saving older woman
Shopkeep ignores armed robber
Teens get in trouble for being naughty
Parenting skills 101<—Submitted by Frankie U
Woman stabs tied-up lover to drink his blood
Jerry Springer’s show line up
How to “handle” naked sleepwalkers
Post It note stapled to 4th graders head<—Submitted by Frankie U
Men should not play with dolls

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Running Time: 1 Hour

Episode 29 – “These Teeth Will NOT Come Off!”

Well, I was terrified that the show was not going to happen tonight… because I CEMENTED fake vampire teeth to my actual teeth. As much fun as that sounds, they pierced my bottom lip, made me slur, and totally aren’t as white as my actual teeth. But, Stephen punched me in the face, and the fangs (and a few of my real teeth) popped right out!. Good thing, too, because we have another follow up on Wood’s leg, oral sex in politics (no wai!), and a woman who stole her boyfriends gonads!
Factoid of the Week:
Belgians once tried to deliver mail using cats. (it didn’t work)

Man single-handedly contributes to overpopulation
Why did 3000 chickens cross the road?
A Bwahahah moment
Cops love stupid people
Woman charged for spouting obscenities at a toilet
Free breast exam with every visit!
Amputated leg story gets even more crazy!
Nigerian woman accused of stealing her boyfriends genitals!
If you like oral sex, vote for this guy!
Couple makes burglar clean their house at gunpoint!
Thieves move into a woman’s home while she’s away
Most independent 6 year old ever….or at least he tried to be

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Running Time: 1 Hour