Episode 461 – Rectal Scans

Giving up sugar is the hardest thing EVER. Prepping for the LSAT was less arduous than this! I keep stuffing avocados in my face and pretending like I don’t want a tangerine or a donut.

Evolutionary speaking, humans aren’t prepared for the amount of sugar they ingest… we just never had it that readily available, so our bodies don’t have a clue what to do with it… so we all just get diabetes XD

Culturally, it’s so hard to stay away from. It’s a treat, dang it! Who doesn’t like treats?

Anyone else on the no sugar bandwagon with me? (And by “no”, I mean mostly no, but probably some because freaking DONUTS are GUD).

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
National Doughnut Day was officially established in 1938 by the Chicago Salvation Army to raise much-needed funds during the Great Depression.

Australian man blocks arrow with mobile phone
Man accused of choking driver for singing Christmas songs in March
John Oliver Hatches A Genius Plot To Ban Robocalls By Robocalling The FCC
Wearable penis camera lets you record your achievements
Italy outraged as court finds victim too ugly to be raped

 

Words of Wisdom:
“As you ramble on through life, Brother,
Whatever be your goal,
Keep your eye upon the doughnut,
And not upon the hole.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

Episode 460 – Suck Diamond

Momentum has been lost! The sheetrock guys are not here and it needs to be taped and mudded ;_; They came at 5pm on Tuesday, but we were leaving for a Duke game…

I was home ALL DAY yesterday waiting for them… with the exception of 20 mins. I went out to pick up some neon green hair dye for Jacob (he looks so badass!), and apparently I missed them?

Then, they were meant to be here an HOUR ago today… and have not shown.

Bah. I just want my bathroom to be right.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
The face cards (Kings, Queens and Jacks) are some of the most iconic designs on the planet. However, not many people know that they were created to represent famous faces, including:

  • Prince Charlemagne (King of Hearts)
  • Julius Caesar (King of Diamonds)
  • Alexander the Great (King of Clubs)
  • King David (King of Spades)

World’s No. 1 bridge player suspended for juicing up
Residents in a New Jersey town could face jail time for barking dogs
To close ‘orgasm gap,’ the National Film Board launches game to teach people about the clitoris
TSA Agents Find Rocket-Propelled Grenade Launcher At Pa. Airport

Words of Wisdom:
Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. -Robert Louis Stevenson

Episode 459 – Doodle Gocs

It was meant to rain all day, but it’s been 60 and sunny… so, I skipped a walk with a friend (because we thought it was going to rain) and went to a CROWDED dance class instead. So many new people were there for some reason o_O I felt encroached on. Everyone has their certain spots on the floor and when new people come in… they don’t know the procedure and just muck everything up.

I did meet a woman who speaks German, though… So that was fun. Her accent is awful, but it’s someone to practice with 😀 YAY! (I am a snob. Don’t @ me.)

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
The vanilla orchid (and its vanilla bean) is the only commercially grown orchid crop (Vanilla planifolia).

Wild parrots are destroying poppies to feed their opium addiction
Wyoming district will open 1-student school next fall
Man delivering food allegedly dips testicles in salsa over low tip
Meet Sheffield man who drinks a pint of his own URINE every day

Words of Wisdom:
Like a lovely orchid, or anything else that’s nurtured, marriage prospers and grows, but if it’s ignored, it withers. -Michael Douglas

Episode 458 – Sorry I’m Like This

I took my mom to a Zumba-like dance class today and it was glorious. Watching someone hop around trying to learn dance moves is so fantastic. She picked them up quickly and everyone was rushing to tell her how great she did. It made me proud. Which is a bit of a reverse from the typical parent/child dynamic, but it was great!

She also told everyone I was trying to kill her… So, there’s that.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
TWOFER: Samurai warriors would smudge their helmets and armor with incense to achieve an aura of invincibility. A Japanese study found that people exposed to incense showed an uptick in brain activity.

Lightsaber fighting is now an official sport in France
Online Petition Calls for Selling Off Montana to Help Settle U.S. Debt
Beer from 1886 shipwreck may yield new brew
Man Convicted for Sneaking Into Seal Beach Home and Sucking Woman’s Toes
Blood of the young won’t spare rich old people from sadness and death, FDA says

Words of Wisdom:
Better do a good deed near at home than go far away to burn incense. -Amelia Earhart

Episode 457 – Butt Mode

Happy Valentine’s Day, you lovely people! I honestly used to hate it until I realized that it was more about the people I kept around me than the person I was dating. I have amazing family and friends and THOSE are the people I want to love on.

Jacob surprised me with a TINY LITTLE BONSAI and I am going to die. It is perfect and has one single bloom and he is so cute I forgot how to use commas!

We are getting together and having Taco Bell ^_^ Join us in celebrating the awesome people around you by eating tacos, listening to us gab, and a third thing that may or may not involve chocolate…

Shoutout to Our Amazing Og! Thank you for supporting the show! <3

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
The word bonsai means “tree in a flowerpot”. Contrary to what it may seem, it is not a genetically tiny tree but its small size is achieved thanks to a patient job of pruning and constant attention.

Assman, denied license plate, displays name across truck’s tailgate
Bear hitches ride atop North Carolina garbage truck
Universal Orlando Now Has A Butt-Naked Troll That Farts Glitter At Guests
HACKED SEX ROBOTS COULD MURDER PEOPLE, SECURITY EXPERT WARNS
Man accused of locking family inside house, setting it on fire after Cheez-It argument

Words of Wisdom:
Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality. -Sloane Crosley

Episode 456 – Urine Space

I have had SO many issues with needing to pee and having no where to go over the last two weeks. Yesterday, there was a giant hole in the floor and wall of my bathroom. I had to give the guys a heads up every time I went pee, so they wouldn’t peep their heads through like some sort of perverted meerkat.

Before that, the water was shut off, so I just went into the garage and peed in a cup… -_-

And NOW… they have the bathroom blocked off with a ladder and equipment because they are putting a hole in the ceiling right beside the door.

I just want to be able to pee… in a toilet… when I need to.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
The Chinese invented paper around 105 A.D. from hemp. Eventually, tree bark, bamboo, and other plant fibers were used in addition to hemp.

Indian man suing parents for giving birth to him ‘without his consent’
Bed bugs falling from lawyer’s clothing forced Oklahoma courthouse to close
El Paso Zoo will name a cockroach after your ex and feed it to their meerkats
Australian Fisherman uses Dead Shark as a Bong
Crypto boss dies holding only password to unlock $145m in customer coins

Words of Wisdom:
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward. -Amelia Earhart

Episode 455 – Nut Divot

Dear Lord. Two days ago the basement flooded (it’s where we are storing furniture and various boxes while we are renovating upstairs). Thank God it was just plane water as the downstairs tube backup with sewage. BLEHHHHH. I’ve never heard so many poop puns in my life. Jacob was on a roll.  Thankfully, a plumber was able to come the next day and sort everything out… after we spent five hours trying to fix the problem ourselves. The previous home owners hadn’t removed a clog…. flush out your drains people…. flush out your drains.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
Most of us lump sewers under one category, but there are actually three distinct types of sewer systems: Foul or sanitary sewers, which carry wastewater from our homes into wastewater treatment plants; surface water or storm sewers, which carry rainwater from roof and roads into streams and rivers; and combined sewers, which are a single pipe system which carries both wastewater and surface water to wastewater treatment works.

Sinkhole turns out to be tunnel to bank
Police arrest woman for driving drunk on vanilla extract
KFC testing a Cheetos Chicken Sandwich complete with ‘special Cheetos sauce’
Drug exec gave doctor lap dance as part of fentanyl sales pitch
Walmart bans woman who rode cart while drinking wine from Pringles can

Words of Wisdom:
Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -Tom Lehrer

Episode 454 – Meat of the Week

Jacob has been out of town, so I spent the night at my parents house… and was immediately reminded of being 13 again. Mom fussed at me for not dressing warmly enough, she fretted over me going to bed, she insisted on shoving money into my purse, and then forgot how to do anything technology related. I’m not complaining at all. I love my parents dearly. It’s just so funny how you can fall back into feeling like a child while around family. Now, listen for poop jokes!

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
Joel Roberts Poinsett introduced the poinsettia plant to the United States from Mexico. Poinsett was a botanist, physician and the first United States Ambassador to Mexico.

Brexit Box
Emotional Support Alligator
Vampires, diabetics, and pole dancers
Company selling boxes of used tissues for $80

Words of Wisdom:
Every flower is a soul blossoming in nature. -Gerard De Nerval

Episode 453 – What is the Fourth Hole

On this Episode, I admit my love for animojis, gush over my neighbor’s adorable German Shepherd puppy, and curse a lot! Actually, I always write these before the show… so I have no clue what we talked about. I bet it was something exciting, though. Like aardvarks and peanut butter. I want a lemon cookie.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
The name Aardvark comes from South Africa’s Afrikaans language and means ‘earth pig’ or ‘ground pig’. Aardvarks are also known as ‘antbears’, ‘anteaters’, ‘Cape anteater’ and ‘earth hogs’.

Toto’s ‘Africa’ to play on endless loop ‘for all eternity’ in Namib Desert
‘I’m not here’: Fugitive leaves note on mattress before being found in dresser
Man injects himself with his own semen in an effort to treat back pain
Man stabbed 13 times by his girlfriend PROPOSES to her in Russian court

Words of Wisdom:
Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’ -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Episode 451 – The Sovereign State of Uranus

You know how some days’ passage of time seems to slow down and take at least triple the actual time, and some days go by so quickly, that you are convinced time goblins are eating your day away? I wonder what causes that? I don’t think it’s necessarily a fun event or being busy, because those seem to go by quickly, slowly, and regularly as well as the days of leisure and being bored. Einstein talked about it, but I wonder if he had a pact with time fairies to keep us off the scent?

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
The process that caramelizes toast — cooking the sugars in the bread and turning them golden-brown — begins at 310 degrees Fahrenheit and is called the Maillard reaction, which gives toast its flavor and its crunch.

Dutch astronaut accidentally called 911 from space
City of Keene in Dispute with Local Restaurant Owner Over ‘Pho Keene Great’ Name
Constipated man has life-saving surgery after inserting a massive LIVE EEL up his bum
Lack of hot sauce leads to shooting at Taco Bell

Words of Wisdom:
If you’re in the game long enough, you’re going to be the toast of the town one day, and the next day you’ll be toast. -Alan K. Simpson