Featured

Call For Submissions! The First Legion of Dorks Publication!

Call for submissions on a Legion of Dorks special project: LAUNDERED: AN ANTHOLOGY OF MONSTER MESSES. As all proceeds from this anthology will be donated to Toys for Tots in conjunction with the Legion of Dorks December fundraiser, we are NOT buying stories for this project.

We’re looking for short stories no more than 7000 words exploring the theme of monster mess clean-up for the first ever Legion of Dorks publication. Deadline to enter is September 15, 2018. Your story must be an original, never-before-published creation that centers around the people who clean up after monsters.

You must include at least one monster, traditional or made up, and at least one cleaning crew or person to meet the theme requirements. You cannot write in anyone else’s world. Otherwise, have fun and let your imagination dominate.

Examples:

  • A butler is tired of cleaning up after his vampire master who insists on killing his own dinner when he could simply and neatly buy from the butcher.

  • The seamstress frustrated with her clients who can’t seem to take off their clothes before transforming.

  • The janitorial staff at a hotel are tired of spectral guests leaving slime all over the walls.

  • The ideas are endless.

Email all submissions to submissions@curseddragonship.com in standard short story format with the subject “Submission for Laundered (last name).” One story per email please.

We can’t wait to see what you come up with.

Legion of Dorks

 

Episode 435 – Noodlegate

When we were children, my sister used to eat butter… and I thought it was the weirdest thing a person could do. I now realize I just did not appreciate butter as a child. I was prepping some corn to go on the grill (grilled corn requires butter), and ended up licking the butter off my fingers before washing them in the sink. I found myself wanting to shove the container of salted, creamed, cow’s milk into my face. Are butter sandwiches a thing?

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
In Gaelic, whiskey translates to uisce beatha or “water of life.”

Rainbow trout can now be called salmon in China
Nearly $100,000 worth of ramen noodles stolen in tractor trailer heist
Superintendent accused in feces on track to receive $100,000
Sex still sells: Lithuania capital Vilnius the ‘G-spot of Europe’ in ad campaign

Special Guest: Erica Feucht from Pit Liquor

Words of Wisdom:
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W.C. Fields

Episode 434 – Always Be Buffin

I am fairly convinced a colony of gnomes live in my refrigerator. Ping, bangs, knocks, and clinks are so often emanating from the fridge, that I — at one point — thought something was trapped inside. It’s been a year since we moved in, and the constant construction noises still bother me. What is happening inside there? Are the foods alive and partying? Is ice that loud? Are there polar bears in the ice?

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty beer glass.

Sex toys lead to shutdown of German airport terminal
Voters see double in Kansas congressional race: Ron Estes faces off against Ron Estes
Woman tells police she’s a ‘clean, thoroughbred, white girl,’ so she shouldn’t be arrested
‘Snapchat Dysmorphia’ causing young people to seek plastic surgery

Words of Wisdom:
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer! -Martin Luther

Episode 433 – Hookers and Hot Pockets

My fingers smell like Kalamata olives because I dumped them into a greek salad earlier… which I would be super OK with, if only it didn’t make me want to bite my fingernails! Also, the salad is legit. Massive chunks of cucumber and feta tossed with julienned basil, Kalamata olives, and halved grape tomatoes. For a dressing I tossed on EVOO, lemon juice, salt, and balsamic vinegar. Not entirely sure why I gave you that recipe, but there you go! That’s what I had for dinner tonight. Along with a piece of chocolate that no one shall mention ever again >_>

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
Saturn spins so quickly on its axis that the planet flattens itself out into an oblate spheroid.

Fortnite tutors are a thing. And yes, parents are paying them
Arkansas man tried to steal jet to go to concert
Superintendent accused of going No. 2 on track resigns
CDC: STOP WASHING AND REUSING CONDOMS

Words of Wisdom:
Revolution is like Saturn, it devours its own children. -Georg Buchner

Episode 432 – The Adventures of Penetron

I was in the grocery store last week and I saw this woman sneaking up and down every aisle, whispering to herself and pulling things out of her bag at certain shelves before setting them down in a haphazard way. It was such odd behavior that I followed her.  When I got close enough, I could tell she had an open box of cereal in her purse and was setting tiny Cheerios down, murmuring instructions to them before she would run off and repeat the process.

This is totally fabricated as I could not think of anything else to write for an intro… so… you’re welcome.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow

Factoid of the Week:
Gummy Bears were invented in 1922 by German candy maker and his company, HARIBO, is an abbreviation of his name, “Hans Riegel Bonn.”

Man bites dog: North Koreans eat dog meat to beat the heat
Fish tank thieves arrested during motorcycle getaway
Egyptian zoo busted painting donkeys to look like zebras
Burglar wakes up couple to ask to use their Wi-Fi network

Words of Wisdom:
Experience is a dim lamp, which only lights the one who bears it. ~Louis-Ferdinand Celine

Episode 431 – Defense Against the Dark Farts

If you have a habit of sleeping with someone, you’ve probably had a less than enjoyable night’s sleep caused by the tempest whirling around beside you. They get hot and fling the covers off, they cannot rest and so begins a night of crocodile death rolls, or they have a wild dream and end up slapping you across the face.

Jacob has fallen into all three of these categories at some point (all annoying), but last night is my favorite so far. He was in the throws of pretending he was some sort of tornado, when he rolled over (with some gusto) and smashes his forearm into my face… while screaming incoherently at me.

Slightly irked, (since I was half asleep while being throttled), I took his arm and held it down while he shouted. After he gathered his bearings, I asked why he felt compelled to strike me and he informed me that someone was trying to abuse a dog…. sexually… and he was striking the lady to keep her away… and then he bellowed “meat pie” and fell back to sleep.

The British aristocracy have it right, kids… keep your own room and sleep alone.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
The word “dragon” comes from the Greek word “draconta,” which means “to watch.” The Greeks saw dragons as beasts that guarded valuable items. In fact, many cultures depict dragons as hoarding treasure.

Spain’s new submarine ‘too big for its dock’
Woman gets 15 days in jail for harvesting conchs in Key West
Man who had sex with horse said it gave consent by winking at him
Woman accused of biting off victim’s nose and swallowing it

Words of Wisdom:
Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon. -Steven Brust 

Episode 430 – Health Lizard

Jacob’s company is doing this five week competition that can land people money for exercising… and it is glorious and going to kill me. My team is ranked 8th out of the entire fortune 100 company, and I am 2nd on my team. I also want to yell at some of the members on my team… how are you going to commit to joining a team that is logging mad exercise hours and only workout 30 mins every other day! I cannot threaten or cajole anyone because everyone knows I am Jacob’s wife and I don’t want to get his work people annoyed at him, but COME ON!  Take a walk at lunch or something. Damn.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
According to this article from “Fast Co Design,” we are attracted to glitter because it reminds us of something else that also glistens, reflects, and that we can’t live without: that’s right, water.

Rat breaches bank ATM in India, eats $18,000 worth of cash
Building dispute leads to mural of crowned mayor on a toilet
Doctors Remove Live Worm Crawling Under Woman’s Face
Man wasn’t drinking while driving, just sipping at stop signs, he told deputies

Words of Wisdom:
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. ~J. R. R. Tolkien

Episode 429 – Drugs on a Goat

Today I beat the Trial of the Sword on BoTW and it was glorious! I didn’t realize that there were three stages (which was very helpful because of the dying). The first stage was the hardest… even though it was meant to be the baby stage to get your feet wet. It was awful. I died 7 times. That means I had to restart EIGHT TIMES before I finally made it to the last stage. The next two (17 and then 24 rooms respectively) I had to restart once a piece. I am sad now that I am done. That was fun. Again!

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
Seashells are primarily made of calcium.

Romanian court tells man he is not alive
Woman Allegedly Bit Part of Chinese Restaurant Owner’s Ear Off During Fight Over Food Order
Pennsylvania police say couple high on bath salts shot at fireflies they mistook for ‘alien lasers’
Pornhub Is Now Offering Subtitles For Deaf And Hard Of Hearing Viewers

Words of Wisdom:
One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few.  -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Episode 428 – Guilt Free Sex Bits

I just spilled water on my laptop… I panicked a bit… but everything seems to be ok. I’m also VERY tired and would like a nap, so I’m more concerned with getting a few Zzz’s than I am with my laptop exploding. Also, freaking waterproof mascara, man. Why. They should make small shots of waterproof mascara for those of us that literally want it for one freaking day. Like when you get married and have your sig-fig telling you that he is going to make you ball like a baby.  Amateur. I only cry during Braveheart.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
Humans are the only mammals that willingly delay sleep

World Cup 2018: Russian lawmaker warns against sex with foreigners
New Hampshire distillery’s bourbon flavored with beaver secretions
Woman Rescued After Getting Head Stuck In Truck’s Exhaust Pipe
Man Gets Tired Of Sitting In Traffic, Hacks Into Electronic Billboard to Stream Porn

Words of Wisdom:
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess

Episode 427 – Better Outta Ewe Than In Ewe

GUYS! I did it! I have finally accomplished my mission! I HAVE RECEIVED A JUMP SUIT THAT WORKS! It’s tall enough through the legs and torso, doesn’t show my arms, or boobs, and is super light. I’m going to die. It’s like wearing footy PJ’s in public, but being totally accepted by everyone as fashionable while doing it. I cannot express my happy.  Jumpsuits are life. I am hungry.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/horseshoes-and-hand-grenades

Factoid of the Week:
The first jumpsuit that was meant as a fashion item was created in 1919 by the Italian artist and designer Tayaht. His goal was to design a stylish and fashionable outfit for the working class as a critique on the bourgeoisie of that time. Unfortunately, his plan failed miserably after the Florentine upper class discovered his design and made it the fashion item of that era.  

New Zealand scientists are breeding sheep to fart and burp less
Driver Pulls Off Bizarre Backward Stunt Through More Than A Mile Of Traffic
Chinese man attempts to cure constipation by shoving eggplant up his anus, but it gets stuck
‘We Love Whiskey, Why Not Put It In Our Armpits?’ Pit Liquor Is Born

Words of Wisdom:
Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall. -Ray Bradbury