Episode 441 – Yelling About Things

It looks like my parents have sold my father’s optometric office… and I am dead happy! And also freaking the crap out. Do you have any idea how much stuff a family can store in 4000 square feet of office? A lot. They can store a lot. We now have three weekends in which to move, toss, donate, or otherwise destroy upwards of 80 years worth of collected junk. My father thought it would be cool to keep all of my grandfather’s stuff o_O Gah. We so dead.

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Factoid of the Week:
Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

French fries in Europe expected to be an inch shorter this season
Boo! A Halloween display was so scary, a neighbor called 911
Hasbro Is Dropping a Poop-Themed Play-Doh Playset This Year
Cheerleader Gave Away Pot Brownies To Win Homecoming Queen Vote

Words of Wisdom:
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. -Channing Pollock

Episode 440 – Hospital Wall Liquor

I don’t know if I like the new Tomb Raider game, guys. It is gorgeous. There is no taking away from that; however, it babies the crap out of you through the tombs. My favorite part of the TR games are the actual exploration and puzzles in the tombs. I feel like the series went from raiding to Nathan Drake with a female protagonist. They spoon-feed you the puzzles (even on max difficulty), there is a HUGE emphasis on stealth (which, I DO like better than run and guns, because it feels like a puzzle), and there is a large chunk of an RPG-esque-like city randomly thrown in. It’s like they weren’t sure which direction to go in. I like exploring cities, but it feels muddled and clunky.

I just want to go back to the puzzle-heavy, exploration of the original few games…. or Prince of Persia.  Remake Prince of Persia 😛

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Factoid of the Week:
According to a study from the University of Hawaii, there are (approximately) seven quintrillion five quadrillion grains of sand on all the beaches in the world (that’s a 75 with 17 zeros behind it; i.e., 7,500,000,000,000,000,000).  NOTE: if you think that’s a big number, consider that astronomers have postulated that there are 100 stars in the Universe for every grain of sand on the Earth’s beaches (that’s assuming our own Milky Way galaxy, with its hundreds of billions of stars, is ‘typical’, and that the Hubble space telescope is correct in its estimate that there are at least 80 billion galaxies in the world).

Swarm of 60,000 bees leaves honey ‘oozing’ from walls at Cambridge hospital
Strip club closed after food stamps used to buy lap dances, drugs, investigators say
Doctors find turtle inside woman’s vagina after having pain
Pregnant Delhi Woman Bites Off Husband’s Tongue, Allegedly Over His Looks

Words of Wisdom:
The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.  -Jean Paul

Episode 439 – Google Me Slowly

An ode to a Lava Lamp
How glowie and orange.
You light up the darkness,
In blobs of viscous sunrise.
The 70’s adored you,
And Spencer’s too.
Now you warm my cat-dragon,
As you do.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Onions that are chilled before chopping give off less of the chemical reaction that makes you tear up. goes here

Athlete banned from all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much
Middle school teacher on leave after allegedly putting girl in game machine to stealing prizes
Man Accused of Rubbing Produce on His Butt in Northern Virginia Grocery Store
Expert: Farts can blow out of your mouth if you don’t let them loose

Words of Wisdom:
It doesn’t matter how precisely the onion is cut as long as the person chewing it is happy. -Padma Lakshmi

Episode 438 – Derp Fish

My daddy makes SO much food when he cooks. I’m talking food for seven people for DAYS. Combine that with my mother doing the same thing… and it looks like a thirty person picnic every time we go over to their house to eat. Also, I ate too much and I am about to die. Why am I like this. Also, also, I chased my nephew around the house for thirty minutes after eating to much so I am extra going to puke and die. Someone save me from myself. Halp.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Only about 10% of the world’s currency is physical money, the rest only exists on computers.

Indonesian province bans men and women from dining together
A Bug’s Heist: Thousands Of Insects, Spiders Stolen From Philadelphia Museum
Kuwaiti fishmonger closed for ‘sticking googly eyes on fish’
Virginia man erects electrified fence near school bus stop to keep kids off property

Words of Wisdom:
Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window. -Steve Wozniak.

Episode 437 – Stroking the Nerve

I cannot write political articles. Period. How does one even begin to write something political? It is considered a science… but everyone adds their own agenda or flair to it… creating less of a factual piece and more of a… mish-mash of facts and feelings? Yeah, I’m not good at that… I can either make it ALL up or make it all up and pretended like I didn’t… which is what I just did for this article I had to write. From now on… Jacob will be ghost writing anything political I do. Blah. That was a hassle and I fee dirty.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too! 

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Factoid of the Week:
More than 11,000 amendments to the US Constitution have been introduced in Congress. Thirty three have gone to the states to be ratified and twenty seven have received the necessary approval from the states to actually become amendments to the Constitution.

New Zealand council proposes banning all cats
Tag, kickball, Red Rover, musical chairs: Games deemed ‘inappropriate’ by Alabama school board
Oreo launches ‘Hot Chicken Wing’ and ‘Wasabi’ flavors
‘Sexually frustrated’ dolphin’s advances spark swimming ban in France, reports say
In Missouri you can now go to jail for labelling tofu ‘meat’

Words of Wisdom:
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. -Benjamin Franklin

Episode 436 – 3-2-1 Wrong Button – A 2Dorks Story

Women are expected to change their last names after a marriage, but I think if more men had to go through all the lame steps that a woman must go through in order to change her name… they would be on board with women just keeping their given names. Please have 56 forms of ID, that require 56 other visits to other places, please wait in line for 5 hours, then please wait 4 weeks, then please change your Driver’s License, and your credit cards, and your bank account, and every other thing that your name has ever been on ever… including your email address and all those gorgeous address label stickers you ordered a while ago. -__-

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs to laugh too!

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Factoid of the Week:
Spontaneous combustion is real. Some fuel sources can generate their own heat—by rotting, for instance. Pistachios have so much natural oil and are so prone to heat-generating fat decomposition that the International Maritime Dangerous Goods Code regards them as dangerous.

Drug tunnel ran from old KFC in Arizona to Mexico bedroom
Condo spends $2,500 on DNA kits to solve dog poop mysteries
Stop having sex! Colombian health official advises abstaining from intimacy
Dozens of men tricked into ‘Hunger Games’-style competition via Tinder

Words of Wisdom:
Truth will rise above falsehood as oil above water. -Miguel de Cervantes

Episode 435 – Noodlegate

When we were children, my sister used to eat butter… and I thought it was the weirdest thing a person could do. I now realize I just did not appreciate butter as a child. I was prepping some corn to go on the grill (grilled corn requires butter), and ended up licking the butter off my fingers before washing them in the sink. I found myself wanting to shove the container of salted, creamed, cow’s milk into my face. Are butter sandwiches a thing?

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
In Gaelic, whiskey translates to uisce beatha or “water of life.”

Rainbow trout can now be called salmon in China
Nearly $100,000 worth of ramen noodles stolen in tractor trailer heist
Superintendent accused in feces on track to receive $100,000
Sex still sells: Lithuania capital Vilnius the ‘G-spot of Europe’ in ad campaign

Special Guest: Erica Feucht from Pit Liquor

Words of Wisdom:
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W.C. Fields

Episode 434 – Always Be Buffin

I am fairly convinced a colony of gnomes live in my refrigerator. Ping, bangs, knocks, and clinks are so often emanating from the fridge, that I — at one point — thought something was trapped inside. It’s been a year since we moved in, and the constant construction noises still bother me. What is happening inside there? Are the foods alive and partying? Is ice that loud? Are there polar bears in the ice?

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty beer glass.

Sex toys lead to shutdown of German airport terminal
Voters see double in Kansas congressional race: Ron Estes faces off against Ron Estes
Woman tells police she’s a ‘clean, thoroughbred, white girl,’ so she shouldn’t be arrested
‘Snapchat Dysmorphia’ causing young people to seek plastic surgery

Words of Wisdom:
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer! -Martin Luther

Episode 433 – Hookers and Hot Pockets

My fingers smell like Kalamata olives because I dumped them into a greek salad earlier… which I would be super OK with, if only it didn’t make me want to bite my fingernails! Also, the salad is legit. Massive chunks of cucumber and feta tossed with julienned basil, Kalamata olives, and halved grape tomatoes. For a dressing I tossed on EVOO, lemon juice, salt, and balsamic vinegar. Not entirely sure why I gave you that recipe, but there you go! That’s what I had for dinner tonight. Along with a piece of chocolate that no one shall mention ever again >_>

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
Saturn spins so quickly on its axis that the planet flattens itself out into an oblate spheroid.

Fortnite tutors are a thing. And yes, parents are paying them
Arkansas man tried to steal jet to go to concert
Superintendent accused of going No. 2 on track resigns
CDC: STOP WASHING AND REUSING CONDOMS

Words of Wisdom:
Revolution is like Saturn, it devours its own children. -Georg Buchner

Call For Submissions! The First Legion of Dorks Publication!

Call for submissions on a Legion of Dorks special project: LAUNDERED: AN ANTHOLOGY OF MONSTER MESSES. As all proceeds from this anthology will be donated to Toys for Tots in conjunction with the Legion of Dorks December fundraiser, we are NOT buying stories for this project.

We’re looking for short stories no more than 7000 words exploring the theme of monster mess clean-up for the first ever Legion of Dorks publication. Deadline to enter is September 15, 2018. Your story must be an original, never-before-published creation that centers around the people who clean up after monsters.

You must include at least one monster, traditional or made up, and at least one cleaning crew or person to meet the theme requirements. You cannot write in anyone else’s world. Otherwise, have fun and let your imagination dominate.

Examples:

  • A butler is tired of cleaning up after his vampire master who insists on killing his own dinner when he could simply and neatly buy from the butcher.

  • The seamstress frustrated with her clients who can’t seem to take off their clothes before transforming.

  • The janitorial staff at a hotel are tired of spectral guests leaving slime all over the walls.

  • The ideas are endless.

Email all submissions to submissions@curseddragonship.com in standard short story format with the subject “Submission for Laundered (last name).” One story per email please.

We can’t wait to see what you come up with.

Legion of Dorks